Improving the Medical Pain Scale

Or, “Say Eight!”

You’ve probably seen some version of that chart before.  You may also have noticed how inadequate it is at helping you.  Based on the faces, this is what the chart communicates:

0:  Haha!  I’m not wearing any pants!

2:  Awesome!  Someone just offered me a free hot dog!

4:  Huh.  I never knew that about giraffes.

6:  I’m sorry about your cat, but can we talk about something else now?  I’m bored.

8:  The ice cream I bought barely has any cookie dough chunks in it.  This is not what I expected and I am disappointed.

10:  You hurt my feelings and now I’m crying!

 None of that is medically useful and it doesn’t even have all the numbers, here is a better one with all the numbers:


0:  Hi.  I am not experiencing any pain at all.  I don’t know why I’m even here.

1:  I am completely unsure whether I am experiencing pain or itching or maybe I just have a bad taste in my mouth.

2:  I probably just need a Band Aid.

3:  This is distressing.  I don’t want this to be happening to me at all.

4:  My pain is not fooling around.

5:  Why is this happening to me??

6:  Ow.  Okay, my pain is super legit now.

7:  The jaws of hell have begun to open and I’m scared.   

8:  I am experiencing a disturbing amount of pain.  I might actually be dying.  Please help.

9:  I am almost definitely dying.

10:  I am actively being mauled by a bear.

11: Blood is going to explode out of my face at any moment.

Too Serious For Numbers:  You probably have ebola.  It appears that you may also be suffering from Stigmata and/or pinkeye.

via Hyperbole and a Half

Ode To Merton [Clean Version]

The following is a video created by Ben Folds where he chats with random people online and does improv piano songs about the people.

How I Diet

How A Typical Diet Goes

My family is starting yet another weight loss competition.  After 3-4 years of competitions you would think we wouldn’t need to lose any more weight but the problem is the way I and most other “normal” people diet.
Breakfast:
1/2 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
8 oz. skim milk

Lunch:
4 oz. lean broiled chicken breast
l cup steamed spinach
1 cup herb tea
1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon snack:
The rest of Oreos in the package
2 pints Rocky Road ice cream, nuts, cherries and whipped cream
1 jar hot fudge sauce

Dinner:
2 loaves garlic bread
4 cans or 1 large pitcher Coke
1 large sausage, mushroom and cheese pizza
3 Snickers bars

Late Evening News:
Entire frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from freezer)

Rules for this Diet:
1. If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.

2. If you drink a diet soda with a candy bar, the calories in the candy bar are canceled out by the diet soda.

3. When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count if you do not eat more than they do.

4. Food used for medicinal purposes NEVER count, such as hot chocolate, brandy, toast and Sara Lee Cheesecake.

5. If you fatten up everyone else around you, then you look thinner.

6. Movie related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entertainment package and not part of one’s personal fuel. (Examples: Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)

7. Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking causes calorie leakage.

8. Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something.

9. Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories (Examples are: spinach and pistachio ice cream; mushrooms and mashed potatoes).

10. Chocolate is a universal color and may be substituted for any other food color.

11. Anything consumed while standing has no calories. This is due to gravity and the density of the caloric mass.

12. Anything consumed from someone else’s plate has no calories since the calories rightfully belong to the other person and will cling to his/her plate. (We ALL know how calories like to cling!)

13. If you eat ice cream with a fork, it has no calories.

Okay, so now that I am aware of the way I typically rationalize poor eating choices I am better prepared to succeed.  The key will be to not make these mistakes for the rest of my life.

ManBabies.com Submission

I came across a funny site called manbabies.com I thought I’d make my own manbaby photo and submit it. What do you thin?

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